Control

I’m getting fat again and this makes me so annoyed I can’t focus. I wish I was dead again so that’s pretty great too. I think they must go hand in hand, being annoyed about my weight when I feel down. It must be something to do with control. Perhaps I feel like I can’t control anything, and that weight would be the easiest thing to change, or perhaps I will always think I’m fat, or perhaps I want to stop eating because I don’t think I deserve food and I’m not doing anything worthwhile on this earth. I really don’t even know anymore. I’m really tired though of this cycle, the whole, feeling like crap, and then feeling even more like crap, finally getting out of it, feeling good, only to be pushed right back down in it. Previously I was usually pushed back in due to the monthly cycle but when I went on birth control I just felt like shit all the time, there was no ” coming out” of the cycle, I just felt like crap, feel like crap, feel like crap. Maybe the reason I’m being so hard hit with this depression is because I stopped taking those pills and I was feeling pretty good. Maybe, I forgot how hard it was to go from feeling optimistic about wanting to not wake up, all due to what most likely is the case, hormones. Things will get better when you are older they all said. Nope, nothing is better, I still hate everything as much as ever, and while I’ve done a lot of fun things, I still am deeply sad by the additional loss I have “gained” over that time period. There was a time when I was depressed but my family wasn’t dead yet. I still had all my grandparents, I hadn’t ever had a bad relationship, I just was depressed and most likely it was due to hormones then too. Now? Now I’ve lost loved ones and I’m sorry but traveling the world just doesn’t seem like that great compared to the opportunity to get to talk to my Grandpa again. Bit of a tangent I guess but whatever, I need to lose weight because trying to have some sort of control of my life is the only thing I know how to do. 

Hi, I’m Sa and this is my therapy. While I may write some dark things please do not worry about me being in any serious danger of harm. There is a difference between wishing to be dead, and actively trying to make one’s self dead. I am not trying to become dead, I just get really frustrated with the people and things on Earth that sometimes I wish I could be somewhere else. Can you tell it’s been a rough one so far? Today has been quite an irritating one for me but no a more positive note, nothing seriously bad has happened. I’m just tired, cranky, and depressed for what seems like no reason.

Most of my problems today have stemmed from having to deal with other people and those peoples mistakes. Their mistakes have become my problem, and a big one at that. One of the things I hate most about working is the people. I can do my job, I just wish I didn’t have to do with other people.

Back to the grind.